Gift of the Red Bird by Unknown

Author:Unknown
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Epub3
Publisher: The Crossroad Publishing Company

May 1989

I sit on the plane heading toward Texas and my hands are trembling. My heart pumps at twice its normal rate. What is my fear? It takes too much energy to get quiet and name it. I have to use my energy to breathe. I do know that I hate the waiting. I wish the tent were already set up and I was in it. I wish the quest had already begun. Do I live this way a lot? Ahead? This very moment is the only reality. I try to pull myself back.

Breakfast trays are wheeled down the aisle. Will I be able to eat? My stomach is so filled with fear, how could there be room for food? I feared this morning that I would sleep through the alarm. I feared I would be late arriving at the airport and miss the flight. When I wasn’t late I feared that since I had made the plane, my baggage wouldn’t. Then I happened to see my baggage being loaded right onto my plane, and I immediately changed my fear to one that the baggage will surely be lost when I make my connection in Dallas. I sicken myself. Is this really a picture of me?

My prayer group are all praying for me. I feel Hazel’s spirit especially, sure and strong. She sends me a spirit of calm, if only I could receive it. I read the prayer she has given me to take along.

Go, When the morning shineth

Go, When the noon is bright

Go, When the eve declineth

Go, When the high of night

Go with pure mind and feeling

Fling earthly cares away

And in Thy chamber kneeling

Do Thou, in secret, pray.

I will pin this prayer inside my tent. It helps.

What do I fear? I’m not certain my greatest fear is the hunger, although I’ve said that to many people. I’m not sure it’s the long days — or the fear of the night. I may be lonely at times, and scared in the dark. But I will endure it I think. I suspect the great fear is about the unknown. I’m going off alone, to meet the wilderness and look at my life. And I will bring nothing with me to defend me. Not my house, the dollars in my wallet, my friends, my educational degrees. Those will all be useless there. I will be naked. There will be nothing in between me and God.

A stewardess interrupts my thoughts to explain the safety devices aboard the aircraft. Safety? Flying into the upper atmosphere in this machine is an act of faith. How is it safe? I look at my seat belt. Sixteen inches of nylon strapping. It can hold me into this seat, but can it truly protect me? I have this image of all the violent forces of the universe poised against me, and my seat belt matched against them, like Excalibur. It does make me laugh. I think of the way that I live. Carrying keys and locking up my possessions, over and over again.

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